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I keep meaning to, I swear...

I hate Facebook but it's so easy.
"Want to pretend you have a connection to your Bay Area friends? Look at your feed. Done? Good. Now you know they had a sandwich for lunch and the weather is balmy. Oh look, one of your local friends invited you to a drag show. You are loved. See? Good."
I'm absolutely sucked in by how easy it is. It fits in my day since I'm frequently going evenings without opening my laptop once I get home; I can check in on my phone and pretend like I am involved.

I video chatted with Josie tonight, it was nice. I like seeing moving faces in real-time and talking like real people. Benjamin figured out a way for me to get back on IRC (which was blocked at my new job) so I have some "real" time with my California people again. That feels pretty good. I may have waited too long to do it, or I may have been too inaccessible when I lived there so the California chapter of my life may need to keep winding down. We'll see how it plays out. I know I wasn't the happiest, shiniest person when I was out there and that I am happier now.

On the subject of 'happy': I am on a new drug to make my brains behave like good brains. I told my psychiatrist I wasn't very excited to try this drug but she wanted to do it anyhow (I think they just go down a list).
This drug has a very bad reputation as far as discontinuation goes so I am extra forgiving of the side effects because I *really* don't want to quit it. So far I'm dealing with the usual- dry mouth, nausea, <redacted>, headaches, etc but the unusual on this one one really challenge me and damage my calm. The very worst is an earache in my left ear that is so intense that if I didn't have a high tolerance for such things I would probably be crying and downing pain killers. But truthfully, the pain killers, they do nothing and double-plus-ungood, the strongest painkiller I am prescribed (for gallstones) is Tramadol which on my current antidepressant may cause very unpleasant things (death) so my options are limited.
I also have a recurring twitch in my eye, the left again and I've been having really twisted and vivid dreams. I also experienced a strange night of pseudo-insomnia where I was barely conscious and was compelled to keep touching, twirling, and combing my hair with my fingers. That was... "fun".
On the plus side, it is helping my mood. My depression is way down and my anxiety has longer rests before I get an intense attack.
Being on medication for mental health is a long balancing act with many changes to deal with. Some day I'll get to a place where I can walk the tightrope in a way that feels right for me.

This seems quite long for our new Facebooky way of dealing with life updates so I think I'll stop. Next time I want to talk about love, friends, and art. Or at least one of those. I hope you are all well and I plan to upload some photos this week so I can show you and remind myself of what I've been up to.

Chin up, friends, it's almost spring!


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 18th, 2013 03:03 am (UTC)
hooray for spring
and I hope that the new meds eventually calm down and are not so harsh with the side effects

glad to see you posting

and I look forward to the next post on love, friends and art :)
Mar. 18th, 2013 03:27 am (UTC)
Being happy is really fucking hard. It requires work. It requires drinking enough to take off your pants at an inappropriate time. It requires saying nothing when you have nothin good to say. It means telling someone they have nice shoes. I figure I am ahead of the game when I spend more time happy than unhappy.
Mar. 18th, 2013 05:37 am (UTC)
welcome home
Mar. 19th, 2013 04:41 pm (UTC)
I hate Facebook too, both for its bad design and the overall inanity of the content. In fact, months ago I came to the realization that the sense of connection I gained from FB was false anyway, and most of what clogged my feed was unpleasant or boring crap from people I didn't really care about anyway.

So I don't look at it any more.

I do read LJ as often as I can though! Even though I don't post! Because there's actual content here! And people I actually like and care about.

I think you had that same eye twitch like ten years ago, and it lasted for days. I feel like I remember talking to you about it at Shrine of Lilith.
Mar. 23rd, 2013 02:55 am (UTC)
You're missed, and we're glad you are shinier & happier.
Mar. 25th, 2013 12:32 am (UTC)
I am trying to creep back to LJ as I feel like Facebook isn't who I am. Facebook is how I know about major events in my friends' lives and how I know when I'm invited to parties, but I really don't much much of myself there. What I do put is a shiny, happy, best-foot-forward impression of myself as much as possible. As far as I'm concerned, Facebook is a crowded convention. Everyone can see what you're doing if they look, but it's no place to get to know anyone.
LiveJournal is where I can actually put a sliver of who I really am out there. Of course, for this reason my LJ friendslist is much more limited and the posts are fewer because I don't always have time to put out what I feel to be a meaningful entry, but at least it's really me.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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